It was a Cinderella story...if Cinderella drank fifths of tequila, swallowed the worm and spent most of her dismal season in Tijuana drunk and unwashed. After the first two games of the 2012 starting season, Coach OneChiquita and her Barber of Seville ratties made like a politically liberal party and left. Injured or dead (think Weekend at Bernie's but with a line rat), the 0-1-1 record of this little Skaven team was nothing to write home about.

Then Coach OneChiquita received a call from one of the head honchos of the league. Barbers of Seville were in the playoffs. It had to be a @#$#*(&* joke. No way. "Do you understand I have a dead line rat and a thrower and gutter runner making extra money performing in donkey shows because they can't play anymore?" she asked the disembodied voice on the other end of the pay phone at her fleabag motel. Yes, apparently the powers that be understood this but they had run the numbers and Barbers of Seville had eked into the playoffs so Coach OneChiquita gathered her little Skaven players around her- well the ones not performing in the donkey show anyway, to tell them the news.

The players squeaked excitedly. Fish tacos and tranny hookers aside, they actually missed playing Blood Bowl and made plans to return for the playoffs. It would be their last hurrah they decided- a bit like getting the band back together again. Their arrival in Team Anura's home turf did not go unnoticed by the press and fans who enjoyed an underdog story.

Fans pushed past players like Cease and Desist and Frozen Ice to get the autographs of Freaky Fred or get their nipples signed by Theodoric of York. The effect of these ratties on everyone was unprecedented. Maybe it was that they were furry and warm blooded whereas the Slann were slimy and cold blooded. Whatever the reason, everywhere the Barbers of Seville went, chaos overtook people. And this was before the match even started.

The weather was fine, not too hot and not too cold which brought out the fans (42,000 of them to be exact) on this fine day.

A fast-improving Frozen Lightning kept the veteran Raiders on the edge until the very last turn. Outnumbered by 4, but having taken out (for the first time in this league) Crasher the Ogre the Lightning players put up a stout, solid defense, pulled out some spectacular moves (one of which led to their touchdown) and took advantage of the Raiders' inability to counteract two frenzied werewolves which dominated the second half. At the end of the day the Raiders' advantage in numbers, the skills of their players and a hired wizard who never showed up allowed the Raiders to carry the day with a turn-16 touchdown.

Well folks, it’s another report on the Monrovia Manglers here. What is there to say about this match except it was merciless. The ‘Manglers’ met with the ‘Eshin Backstabbers’ in a home match which was lopsided and gruesome for four hours. By the end of the match, the plethora of fans which had arrived to see the Manglers play, were outside the stadium screaming for apothecaries. While recent questions have been circulating whether the team’s management would likely make it to next season, the beastly backstabbers made it a point to remind fans that on any given Sunday a team may not survive the match- and some didn’t. While in recent matchups with the high elves, the elves maintained a civility absolutely absent from this match. The backstabbers came to the match with their claws sharpened, their fur oiled, and their eyes heartless and murderous.
The ‘Eshin Backstabbers’ were proof again that ‘Nuffle’ and ‘Nurgle’ are amicable friends. The ‘Backstabbers’ arrived on the pitch with gasps from the crowd as some of the Skaven players had already mutated this early in the season. One Blitzer had sprouted razor claws while a gutter runner dragged a massive hand along the ground. The Manglers looked at themselves astonished.

It was short work folks. The Skaven were a blinding, unrelenting, flurry of dodges and death from the kickoff. Winning the coin toss, the ‘Backstabbers’ elected to receive. While the Manglers tried to keep the ball away from the blazingly fast gutter runners on account of their mobility, it was to no avail. Effortlessly the ‘Backstabbers collected the ball and by their second turn they strolled into the end zone not even acknowledging the defense. Uncharacteristically physical, the Skaven ruthlessly punished the human team while they did not have the ball. Turn after turn, they pounded the Manglers. Plumes of blood wafted across the pitch as the ‘Backstabbers’ knocked the humans all over the place. They concussed the human quarterback on turn 4 and apparently, unsatisfied, quickly followed up by maiming a lineman, and killing another. The Mangler offense could not hold. They quickly lost possession of the ball and as expected it found its way into the end zone in the furry possession of a backstabber gutter runner. Correction folks-blood slicked gutter runner.

The second half was ironically more brutal than the first although the remaining mangler players managed to survive. The backstabbers, confident of their resilience, began fouling egregiously. At times, downed Mangler players found themselves absolutely surrounded by Skaven players- nothing but black silhouettes against the pale blue sky with their red beady eyes underlined by razor sharp fangs. Upward of 4 to 5 backstabbers players continually tried to mortally wound downed opponents. Maybe the rats felt that one dead lineman would not be enough to feed them all. Some in the crowd shuttered at the tin crunch of the cracking armor while others winced. The Mangler coach frightfully began inching his way to the locker room for fear of also being a ‘Backstabber’ victim. Two more ‘backstabber’ touchdowns later, the match was over. The final catastrophe: 4-0 ‘Backstabbers’. Folks, twelve ‘Manglers’ arrived on the pitch on this day. Of those 12, only 11 went home. Of those 11, 3 left the pitch on stretchers. The fans quickly and somberly exited the stadium. All the cheer stripped from their hearts, and all the blood drained from their faces. The last of the fans who were present were horrified by the cacophony of celebratory squeaks on the field.

Player update: Good news ‘Mangler’ fans! The ‘killed’ Mangler player has been updated to ‘forever missing’ on the post game injury report. This is on account of his unrecovered body after the match. Oh well, it appears that the Mangler team maintains some sliver of hope that this player was not ultimately eaten by the Eshin Backstabbers. Until next time, Fabbl Gazette out.

It was another game between these two teams this season. The season scheduler was on vacation when his assistant made the match-up. He was subsequently fed to nurgle as the Hawks played the manglers twice in the same week. The Hillside Hawks made the long trip to the Manglers field for a rematch. The first match of the season was a sparing by the Hillside coach while the Manglers suffered an embarrassing display of Elvish humor with Elves moon walking in the end zone.

The Hawks won the toss and elected to receive the ball leaving the Manglers to walk onto the pitch with their own blood still drying on their armor. It all appeared to be a repeat of the first match. The Manglers tried their best to kick deep but the Elvish gods were smiling upon them as the wind gently bounced the ball right to the catchers hands. Again, Elvish shenanigans saw a rapid handoff and pass between the catcher and the thrower. Simultaneously, the unstoppable elves made a rapid assault past the line and were in the Mangler backfield in a flash once again. After what appeared to be some flailing of their arms and a stunned confusion on their faces, the Manglers tried to create some coverage but the Hawks again found themselves in the endzone on their second turn in true elf fashion.

While the clouds were looming overhead over the fate of the humans, two games in three days really began to test the Hawks' durability. In the first half, frustrated and feeling dejected, the Manglers went on an attacking rampage and decided to hurt what they could not beat. While the humans tried to imitate the Hawks display of agility and skill, it lead only to a series of flubs and fumbles in the Manglers backfield which could only be described as debacle. Three turns of bashing ensued before the Manglers backfield Blitzer was able to reach the line of scrimmage. Out manned by nearly 2:1 at this point, the Hawks gummed up the line with a stalwart defense notable of dwarfs. A continual Mangler assault finally cracked the Hawks defense. Only half of the fans were there to witness the lucky break. The other half was either asleep in their seats or returning their purchases of ‘Mangler’ fan gear back to the shop. Finally, the Manglers scored on their seventh turn. The manglers looked at themselves with some hope.

The second half was utterly uneventful. The Mangler coach receiving the kick knew that the human defense could not stop the Hawk offense no matter how few their number. He huddled up the team with he exception of the Ogre. Victor the Brute was warming up on a gobbo filled punching bag- the bag was to keep the goblin parts inside and he really enjoys the mushy squish. The coach delivered a pep talk and informed the manglers to keep the ball away from the Hawks at all costs; AT ALL COSTS. For eight turns the humans tried to stave off the elves who were swarming the ball carriers like chaos Kamakazis. While there were only 5 of them, the Hawks moved and defended as if having a full roster. Hit after hit the Hawks bashed away at the ball carrier. Finally, the Manglers scored on the 8th turn and the the Hawks looked down their royal noses with murder in their eyes. Fearing an assassination attempt, the manglers ran off the pitch to play another day.

It was a beautifully sunny but gusty day, on the pitch to start the match. Nineteen thousand fans showed at the Hillside Hawks stadium; mostly rowdy and boisterous as they were sopped in bugmans beer. The Manglers had won the coin toss and elected to punt. At kickoff, the crowds cheering reached a fever pitch and one would have wondered if it was the wind or the fans screaming which affected the bounce of the ball. Whether Nuffle was in the can or not, fate would have the ball gently land into the awaiting hands of the elves with nary a step taken. The Hillside Hawks made a series of furiously frustrating Elvish moves and expectable dodges- which high elf or not, has engendered disdain for elves overall- and positioned themselves unscathed. In a blink, the Monrovia Manglers were left staring at each other with be-deviled elves on both sides of the 50 by the end of their turn. The Manglers, an expansion team this year, made great efforts to cobble together any defense. Off balance and out of position, the fans- not to mention the coach- had difficulty understanding the Manglers desperate efforts to stem the tide. On the elves second turn, the Hawks made some basic blocks shredding any remnant of the Mangler defense leaving players with open field ahead of them. The Elvish ball handler trotted past the 50 yard line, tiptoeing for finesse, and made a flawless lightning ‘quick snap’ pass to his receiver. Moments later, the Hillside Hawks were in the end-zone ‘prancing’, and the Manglers hung their heads as they made their way back to the line of scrimmage.

No one said Nuffle didn’t have a sense of humor. After both sides had setup, and the crowds jeering had settled to a low ruckus, the expertly placed Elvish kickoff was masterfully coordinated. One would have almost thought that the Hawk players were way ahead of the kicker as the ball had not even landed when 5 elves were 20 yards deep on the Manglers half. A perfect kickoff blitz had once again left the Manglers stunned and bewildered at the speed of the elves. A dinky bounce, a smirk from Nuffle, and suspicion of a loaded ball left it in the Manglers endzone by the time they had come to. Again, off the back foot the Manglers tried to position themselves in cover positions in efforts to slow down the Hawks. A deep Mangler lineman spotted the ball. With his eyes slim and focused he made a mad dash for it. He closed the distance quickly and ferociously attacked the ball. The Mangler rookie must have oiled his boots with his gloves. Despite trying to strangle the ball in his mitts, the Mangler player only managed to have the ball squirt out of his hands as he shot past head first with it not in his possession. It rained beer for a moment as the fans could not contain their laughter despite mouths full of ale. Nuffle chuckled, and the Mangler coach nearly killed a Halfling intern when he threw his clipboard. The Monrovia Manglers were bewildered.

Opportunistic as they were, the Hillside Hawks attacked the timid and vulnerable opponent. As furious as an itchy minotaur- or sober deathrolla for that matter- an elf lineman with dreams of superstardom laid everything on the line to blast a Mangler lineman out of his boots. Forgetting his leather based armor and oblong helmet, reality came crashing down as he smashing himself on the iron breast plate of the opponent lineman. The elf crumpled to the ground with a broken neck and was removed from the pitch by gobo paramedics. The crowd roared for the injury and jeered and spat at the medical staff. For a moment it was unsure if the fans had come to see the Hillside Hawks win or just to see violence. The Monrovia Mangler coach raised his head from the palms of his hands as he was curious about the crowd noise. The glimmer of hope was quickly squashed as the Hawks maintained a stranglehold on the situation. Despite an opportunity presenting itself, the Mangler Oger-instructed to blitz from the sideline by the coronary red coach- was enthralled by a piece of wafting confetti and boneheaded into a glazed stare. For a moment its beastly lips cracked a smile and it laughed; the medical staff rushed to restrain the Monrovia Mangler coach as he was clubbing his Halfling intern with an Orcade bottle; Nuffle chuckled. The Hawks, with the resolve of a thirsty Vampire with a thrall in sight, decidedly struck the death knell. In a series of surgical precision blocks, the Hawks again effortlessly wrestled the ball away from the Manglers and found the endzone. At the end of the 4th turn of the 1st half, the score stood Hawks 2, Manglers 0.

You had to have been there. The Monrovia Manglers managed to tumble toward the endzone enough to have scraped back a touchdown in the 1st half. It was long and drawn out and the fans yawned at the defensive struggle. With no causalities or significant plays, they looked at each other and scratched their heads and the Manglers dis-coordinated offense. It was no guess what they were thinking; they were boggled at what awaited them in the second half. The crowd welcomed the halftime whistle as some of the troll fans had relieved themselves in the stands without a care. The dwarves darted away to get their next ‘triple pints’ ales.

In the second half, the Hillside Hawks Coach thinking the game was over, replaced the bludgeoned Halfling intern - and guided the Monrovia Manglers during what he thought was an after the game training scrimmage. Which led to an 8 turn touchdown ending the game in a 2-2 draw. This was not charity nor did too much mercy enter the heart of the Hawks coach. From the Manglers sideline, he ordered a 4 man block against the Mangler Ogre knocking him on his face. Seeing the Ogre still moving on the ground, he ordered a Hawk lineman make a leaping stomp on his neck. Despite the malevolence and determination, the Ogre spent the final turn looking up at the sky looking at goblin shapes in the clouds; unscathed.